Game of Thrones – 4×01 “Two Swords”

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Here it is! April 2014 – the Game of Thrones season 4 debut! Some couldn’t wait for this. Some can’t wait for the books. For the latter, hope dies last. For the first, only the Starks died (most of them), in the previous season.

First thing I noticed at the new season is the haircut Jaime Lannister pulled off. He looks like the Westeros version of Dolph Lundgren now. And poor him, he not only got a haircut, but also lost his position in the Kingsguard, at the hands of Tiwyn. At the hands of The Hand – see what I did there?

“How many Dornishmen does it take to fuck a goat?” Theoretically no more than three, judging by how many holes the goat has. Honestly, I doubt you can fit more than three Dornishmen in one single Goat, unless they take turns.

Oberyn Martell is a bit different from the books, but not necessarily in a bad way. I mean, yeah, he’s supposed to be more of a villain than a hero, but then again, who the hell is not a villain in George R.R. Martin’s Universe? Besides, the movie Oberyn is bisexual, and at first I wondered what’s up with that, but someone pointed me to a Jaime quote from the books (Thank you, Paul Winchester, and your elephant memory that managed to remember this 😀 ), where he said something along the lines of “He has more bastards than Robert, and beds with boys as well.” So it seems that actually he’s very acuratedly portrayed. Though I seem to miss the sexual parts in the books, it was the same with Renly, I didn’t realise he was gay until I saw him in the show.

Anyway, it’s clear from the start that Red Viper has issues with The Mountain, who killed his sister and according to rumor split her in two with his sword. So there’s your conflict that gives a purpose to this character, we now know what actually motivates him.

Is it a coffee table?

Is it a coffee table?

Daenerys’ dragons have grown up, and some of them even talk back to their mom, which made her lay back a little bit, either because she was scared of the roar, or the dragon’s breath really needed some Tic-Tac. And there’s your idea for a commercial, Tic-Tac! Just remake that scene and your sales will grow like weed in Snoop Dogg’s garden!

Tyrion tries to be Sansa’s therapist, but that doesn’t work as expected. “Things are a bit tense right now,” he says to Shae afterwards, but obviously not the right things, because she gets mad at him and leaves.

I think Jaime Lannister will become the next Robocop. Or the Universal Soldier, seeing how he looks like Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe even Luke Skywalker,with his new hand, metallic and rigid. Who knows, maybe we get lucky and he just slaps Joffrey with it at some point. :))

Ygritte&Co. Meet some Thenns, who also happen to have one of those wargs with them. We can clearly discern some tensions through the airwaves, but nothing out of the ordinary. A dialog a la Walking Dead, when one person talks and the other one just looks badass, shuts up, and makes an ugly face, like that’s supposed to mean something. And that’s all.

On the other side of The Wall, Jon Snow is judged for killing Qhorin Halfhand, and the problem of decapitating him for sleeping with Ygritte comes into question. It also generates my favorite quote of the episode, and perhaps one of my favorite quotes of the series:

“If we’d behead every ranger who laid with a girl, The Wall would be manned by headless men.”

Second place is held by the same Maester Aemon, this time with a more subtle joke, but a very good one nevertheless:.

“He told the truth.”

“And you always know when a man’s telling a lie? How did you acquire this magical power?”

“I grew up in King’s Landing.”

‘Nuff said! :))

Finally, Arya recovers The Needle and kills Polliver, putting an epic end to the premiere of the fourth season, not before we see Sandor biting hungrily from a chicken’s leg. Dat Dawg!

Valar Morghulis, sucka!

Valar Morghulis, sucka!

I’d give 7/10 to the episode, mainly because Game of Thrones itself sets high expectations, while the actual episode wasn’t that good, outside of the Aemon part and the Arya&Sandor ending.

Valar Morghulis!

P.S.: Say what you want, but I dig the new Daario Naharis way better than the previous one. Old one looked like the Westeros version of Justin Bieber.